Whether we realise of not, each time we order coffee we are catalogued. Not just by the barista, but by the affable young chap next to you in the queue, the wait staff behind the counter and anyone else within earshot of the request.
We can’t help ourselves. The type of coffee we drink is as definable as the cars we drive, the places we live and the clothes we wear. We are a nation of coffee classists, determined to oust or accept people based on their choice of brew.
So, not one to buck trends, I have decided to do some cataloguing of my own and define the coffee class system as I see it. Yes, there will be things said that may offend, but remember, I’m just saying what the person next to you in the queue is likely to be thinking.
Espresso
Refined and elegant yet powerful, an iron fist in a velvet glove. These are thoughts of the espresso drinker. In truth, espresso drinkers fancy themselves a little too much.
Ristretto
Ian Thorpe drinks them. Enough said.
Short Macchiato
Sharing many similarities with the espresso drinker, people ordering a short macchiato simply prefer the way the name sounds. After all, it’s just an espresso topped with a babycino, isn’t it?
Long Macchiato
Twice the personality traits of the short macchiato drinker.
Long Black
The coffee choice of ‘real’ coffee people. If by ‘real’ you mean neurotic, caffeine addicted junkies who would sell their children for another hit.
Latte
Inner city urbanites who don’t really like coffee, yet enjoy the novelty of drinking iced coffee, served warm.
Skinny Latte
As above, however the skinny latte drinker also believes that the 2% reduction in fat will actually help them lose weight. I am amazed by the amount of men who drink skinny lattes, who when quizzed on their choice usually respond with, “Oh the wife makes me”. Ah ha, right.
Chai Latte
Usually ordered by young women on a crusade to save the natural habitat of the Sumatran orangutan – well this week anyway – the prevalence of the chai latte on many a menu has always baffled me. This is because the basis for this ‘coffee’ is the chai tea, which is a spiced milk drink. Am I missing something?
FoodstuffMelb 
“Iron fist in a velvet glove?” Ahem.
I think I remember a certain blogger ordering a long macchiato in Pelegrini’s.
Posted by Patrice | September 8, 2009, 9:01 pmThis blogger has been known to order all coffees in the aforementioned list. All except the ristretto. Ian Thorpe drinks those!
Posted by foodstuffmelb | September 8, 2009, 9:14 pmdon’t forget skinny lattes aren’t that healthy as it seems as skinny milk has more sugar than fat milk.
Posted by cruxiefaye | September 9, 2009, 8:30 pmAnd don’t even get me started on the decaf drinkers!
Posted by foodstuffmelb | September 10, 2009, 10:15 amwhat does this say about my tendancy towards an Americano on a saturday morning (basically a double shot of espresso)… I figure you mix the Long Black drinker with the Espresso drinker and thats what you get!
Posted by Leon | September 15, 2009, 10:25 amYiesh.. No mention of cappuccino. They are for men who’d prefer a hot chocolate but have masculinity image issues. And don’t get me started on people who order a grande/mug/pint/litre of coffee.. just buy a carton of milk and save yourself the money.. fatty.
Posted by Angus | September 17, 2009, 6:46 pmI can’t remember even seeing someone drink a Cappuccino recently..and that is a good thing!
Posted by backseatbarista | September 26, 2009, 6:58 am